‘Rag & Muffin’ Excerpt

This is an excerpt from my novel Rag & Muffin. It is currently on an editor’s desk, but since I am getting ignored rather than rejections, I may move to self-publication in the near future. Anyway, this has to include a language warning since it’s more explicit than what I normally post on the blog.

In the dark, on her grass mat, Miss Alice sat in the Padmasana—Lotus Posture—one of the basic positions of Yoga. She had heard that if she practiced Yoga, she could make her Sammohana stronger.

She wanted to make it stronger.

It was the only thing she had.

She tried to focus on her breathing, but it was hard: She kept thinking about the men, about the chair, about the buzzing whine of the drill and the horrible pain it made when it went into her head. The back of her neck hurt. Her brain throbbed with a monotonous ache that made it difficult to think, and she still felt vestiges of the sickness and chills she got the last time they dug into her skull.

She didn’t understand why they were doing this to her. She didn’t even hate them. But she felt stark terror every time the door opened because it meant more agony, more screaming, more sickness. It meant their greasy hands and bad smells. It meant being hit and slapped and tied down. It meant searing pain.

She heard steps outside. She heard a hand rattling the knob. She heard the knob turn with a groan and a click.

The metal door opened with the ear-splitting creak of rusty hinges. Once again, she used her only weapon.

As he came through the door, she looked into his eyes. With a stab of pain, she felt her ravaged Heaven Seed gland squeeze down, and a pleasant ripple ran across her body. She began to speak, to order him to release her—but he simply walked over and slapped her on the mouth.

“Don’t you ever try that on me, you little cunt. And stop wasting your juice.”

It was the man they called Harman. The really bad one, meaner than the others.

Sammohana never worked on him.

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The Magical Pumpkin

This is your annual reminder that we know next to nothing about Samhain or its relationship to Halloween, that all Halloween customs have supposedly Christian origins just as convincing as their supposed pagan origins, and that none of this should matter anyway because every agricultural society has harvest festivals and cultural borrowing is the norm.

Anyway, in our last episode, I mentioned that the magical girls and I purchased pumpkins for carving. I planned to create a magical girl-themed Jack-O’-Lantern; I wanted such a theme both so I could display it on this blog and also just on principle. However, my main magical girl hadn’t carved a Jack-O’-Lantern before, so she wanted a more traditional one.

Since I’m not a master pumpkin carver and was not working with any fancy tools, I wanted a simple pattern.

I chose this:

Sailor Moon silhouette pumpkin stencil.

Now, I already know what you’re thinking: It looks simple at a glance, but it actually has a lot of small, delicate details and very little to hold the construction together.

At first, I was doing pretty well and thought I would get this right, but I eventually made some wrong moves. I lost the area below her arm, so I had to reattach it with toothpicks, but my biggest mistake was carving the moon out last, thinking I should do the delicate work first. I ended up with this:

Damaged pumpkin.
The hole in the pumpkin represents the hole in my life.

That’s the magical girl diligently working on her own in the background there. She was also laughing at me.

If carved correctly, the design has delicate spots that leave large parts of the image supported by tiny bits of the pumpkin’s rind. I broke through a couple by applying too much pressure. The result was what you see here: I shattered the entire image like an eighth-century iconoclast.

Broken like my life.
On the plus side, that’s a delicious Old Fashioned Cocktail.

My wife, who judiciously wanted a simpler, more classic design, was entirely successful in her carving endeavor. She and the other magical girl who can never leave her worked diligently, and now their Jack-O’-Lantern, made from a stencil my wife chose because it made her giggle, adorns the top of the post. I don’t have any tea candles to show it in all its glory, but I’ll undoubtedly display it lit up at a later date.

At the Pumpkin Patch

Yesterday, I, the magical girl, and magical girl 2 went to a local seasonal attraction, the misnamed “Pumpkin Patch.” I guess I was actually expecting a field of pumpkins growing on the vine, but it was actually a square of grass with pumpkins on pallets. Nonetheless, its creators had brought in lots of props and some kiddie games and such, so it made for some fun photo opportunities.

Magical girl holding a pumkin in front of the sun.

We ended up purchasing two pumpkins. The magical girl wanted to carve a traditional Jack-O’Lantern, but I wanted to use a stencil and carve a magical girl-themed pumpkin I can display on the blog.

Magical girl in front of rack of pumpkins.

So, anyway, we have our pumpkins. The question is when we’ll be able to find the time to carve them. I’m also contemplating turning their insides into pumpkin pie, but since these are large ones with probably stringy insides, that might be a bad idea. I’m sure we can bake the seeds, though.

Magical girl getting her height measured.