A few days ago, I wrote a post explaining why I think men don’t read books by women. Judging by my traffic, it’s one of my most popular posts ever and might even beat out my wild-eyed rant about Cardcaptor Sakura.
So I want to follow up with further commentary and an illustration.
To demonstrate the point I made, I walked into our “New Releases” collection and picked up a book from the display. It happened to be Danielle Steel’s All that Glitters. I opened the dust jacket to read the blurb, and it ran as follows. Please forgive the length:
Nicole “Coco” Martin is destined to have it all. As the only child of doting and successful parents, she has been given every opportunity in life. Having inherited her mother’s stunning beauty and creativity, along with her father’s work ethic and diligence, she has the world at her feet. Her graduation from Columbia is fast approaching, and with it the summer job of her dreams working at a magazine. Between work, leisurely weekends at her family’s home in Southampton, and spending as much time as possible with her best friend, Sam, life couldn’t be better—until tragedy strikes. Coco’s beloved parents are killed in a terrorist attack while on vacation in France.
Now devastated and alone, Coco must find a way to move forward and make her way in the world without the family she loved. Determined to forge her own path and make her parents proud, Coco pursues her dreams, dazzled by exciting opportunities that come her way. Her goals are to think outside the box—and always play by her own rules. As she finds herself drawn to charismatic, fascinating men, each relationship will teach Coco new lessons, some delightful, some painful. She will come to realize what matters, and how strong she trul is—and in the end, she will discover herself.
Richly exploring one woman’s poignant journey thorugh life, All That Glitters is a compelling tale of challenges, heartbreak, discovery, and triumph, a powerful reminder that all that glitters is not the essence of life.And what is truly worth having was right there in our hands all along
It ought to be obvious why men would be uninterested in—or even repulsed by—a novel with a description like that. But it is not obvious to the likes of M. A. Sieghart because she’s convinced herself that men are just defective women.
In fact, I have a hard time believing even a woman would respond to that blurb with anything but an eye roll. Most of the women I know would, but this book is not designed to appeal to me or the crowd I run with. It’s designed to appeal to New York editors. Indeed, I can just picture Steel’s editor patting tears from her cheeks as she whispers, “Yass, kween. Even with one major adversity in the midst of luxury, you were still a girlboss who slept around and learned it’s all about you. You go, girl.”
There’s a lot I could say about this blurb. I could say that it’s too damn long. I could note that it gives away the whole damn plot. I could also note that it doesn’t even mention any plot until the end of the first paragraph. I could point out the wince-inducing clichès (“world at her feet,” “play by her own rules,” “think outside the box”), and I could describe how typing it out made me throw up in my mouth just a little bit. But none of that would matter because Danielle Steel is going to use the proceeds from this book to buy another summer home. She has carved out her audience already, a quite sizable one, with decades’ worth of best-sellers, and she doesn’t need advice from me or anyone else.
But let me amuse myself. How would I rewrite this blurb to make it halfway interesting?
I might go the honest route:
Coco’s parents were dead, slaughtered by terrorists in France. “Screw them anyway,” said Coco. “Now I can be a total crack whore without any lectures from Mom.”
With the help of Daddy’s money and a slew of unorthodox business decisions, Coco ran her magazine into the ground. But she got a lot of hot boy-on-girl action in the process. Read about her narcissistic journey of self-destruction in Danielle Steel’s most explosive novel yet, All That Glitters, a sordid tale of wealth, corruption, and lust.
Or perhaps we could even dare to improve the story somewhat—by, you know, actually giving it a story:
Fresh out of high school, Coco thought the world had handed her everything—wealth and talent were hers, and even fame was within her grasp. But everything changed when terrorists murdered her parents.
Now Coco has only one thing in mind: Revenge. And she’ll do whatever it takes to get it, even use her father’s estate to become an arms dealer and work her way up through the sleazy Parisian underworld. She may be young, but she has focus, commitment, and sheer fucking will.
I wrote these in a few minutes, and I’m sure anyone could pick them apart. But you must admit they have one advantage: They’re short.