Tag: novels

‘Rags and Muffin’ Is Almost Complete

The manuscript for Rags and Muffin is done, with just a few finishing touches needed. I had commissioned Eduardo Moura Barbosa for a chapter-heading image, but I was so pleased with the results I asked for some more so I can switch them up from one chapter to the next. The header image for this post is an example: Each chapter header contains objects associated with one of the main characters.

I also crossed my fingers, took a deep breath, and commissioned a cover. I decided a cartoon cover was inappropriate for Rags and Muffin, so I commissioned a cover from a reasonably priced company that appears to do good work. I haven’t seen anything for my project yet, but they claim their turn-around time is good, their portfolio looks solid, and they’ve asked me a lot of probing questions to ensure that they’re actually producing what I want. I’ll name the company after I have the final product and can discuss the overall experience. But if they’re as fast as they claim, I might just make my hoped-for October 1st release date.

The downside is that the cover will cost a pretty penny—at least by my standards. I’m not a guy who can drop $1200 on a book cover, at least not yet. This isn’t costing me that much, but it’s definitely a bite out of the wallet.

Anyway, remember that, if you pick up Dead 2 Rites, kindly leave a review.

‘Dead 2 Rites’ Now on Sale

BUY NOW

It’s finally here: Dead 2 Rites, the long-awaited sequel to Jake and the Dynamo, is now available in paperback, Kindle eBook, and Kindle Unlimited. As always, the eBook version is DRM-free and lending-enabled.

In honor of this new release, you can once again, for a limited time, get Jake and the Dynamo for 99 cents.

For the time being, this is an Amazon exclusive. Other buying options for both books are forthcoming; I’m currently arm-wrestling IngramSpark to convince them that, yes, I really own the ISBN.

I hope you enjoy. And please consider rating and leaving an honest review. Every review is an enormous help to a new author!

Dana Volt, eleven-year-old powerhouse, and Jake Blatowski, befuddled teenager, are back for more in the action-packed sequel to Jake and the Dynamo!

Just when Jake thinks he might finally get a break, he has to face down a murderous kaiju with a skin condition and join the city’s hardest-rocking magical girl in an underground battle against an army of bloodthirsty pastry chefs. As if that weren’t enough, he also has to deal with Pretty Dynamo’s newest rival, a human Swiss Army knife who revels in rule-breaking.

But behind the chaos of these latest threats to mankind’s existence looms a greater evil, for Lord Shadow’s baleful eye has again fallen upon the Earth. Now a conspiracy of monsters may awaken a mad god from the sea of uncreation outside the cosmos—and the only girl who could unite humanity’s defenders for a final stand is slowly succumbing to madness.

One Week Left to Pre-order ‘Dead 2 Rites’

ORDER HERE

Only one week left to get your eBook of Dead 2 Rites, the second volume of Jake and Dana’s misadventures, for 99 cents. Bigger and better even than the first book, Dead 2 Rites features mystery, action, lots of girls, and, of course, lots of laughs.

Dana Volt, eleven-year-old powerhouse, and Jake Blatowski, befuddled teenager, are back for more in the action-packed sequel to Jake and the Dynamo!

Just when Jake thinks he might finally get a break, he has to face down a murderous kaiju with a skin condition and join the city’s hardest-rocking magical girl in an underground battle against an army of bloodthirsty pastry chefs. As if that weren’t enough, he also has to deal with Pretty Dynamo’s newest rival, a human Swiss Army knife who revels in rule-breaking.

But behind the chaos of these latest threats to mankind’s existence looms a greater evil, for Lord Shadow’s baleful eye has again fallen upon the Earth. Now a conspiracy of monsters may awaken a mad god from the sea of uncreation outside the cosmos—and the only girl who could unite humanity’s defenders for a final stand is slowly succumbing to madness.

Why Men Don’t Read Books by Women: Addendum

A few days ago, I wrote a post explaining why I think men don’t read books by women. Judging by my traffic, it’s one of my most popular posts ever and might even beat out my wild-eyed rant about Cardcaptor Sakura.

Oh man, this doing numbers.

So I want to follow up with further commentary and an illustration.

To demonstrate the point I made, I walked into our “New Releases” collection and picked up a book from the display. It happened to be Danielle Steel’s All that Glitters. I opened the dust jacket to read the blurb, and it ran as follows. Please forgive the length:

Nicole “Coco” Martin is destined to have it all. As the only child of doting and successful parents, she has been given every opportunity in life. Having inherited her mother’s stunning beauty and creativity, along with her father’s work ethic and diligence, she has the world at her feet. Her graduation from Columbia is fast approaching, and with it the summer job of her dreams working at a magazine. Between work, leisurely weekends at her family’s home in Southampton, and spending as much time as possible with her best friend, Sam, life couldn’t be better—until tragedy strikes. Coco’s beloved parents are killed in a terrorist attack while on vacation in France.

Now devastated and alone, Coco must find a way to move forward and make her way in the world without the family she loved. Determined to forge her own path and make her parents proud, Coco pursues her dreams, dazzled by exciting opportunities that come her way. Her goals are to think outside the box—and always play by her own rules. As she finds herself drawn to charismatic, fascinating men, each relationship will teach Coco new lessons, some delightful, some painful. She will come to realize what matters, and how strong she trul is—and in the end, she will discover herself.

Richly exploring one woman’s poignant journey thorugh life, All That Glitters is a compelling tale of challenges, heartbreak, discovery, and triumph, a powerful reminder that all that glitters is not the essence of life.And what is truly worth having was right there in our hands all along

It ought to be obvious why men would be uninterested in—or even repulsed by—a novel with a description like that. But it is not obvious to the likes of M. A. Sieghart because she’s convinced herself that men are just defective women.

In fact, I have a hard time believing even a woman would respond to that blurb with anything but an eye roll. Most of the women I know would, but this book is not designed to appeal to me or the crowd I run with. It’s designed to appeal to New York editors. Indeed, I can just picture Steel’s editor patting tears from her cheeks as she whispers, “Yass, kween. Even with one major adversity in the midst of luxury, you were still a girlboss who slept around and learned it’s all about you. You go, girl.”

There’s a lot I could say about this blurb. I could say that it’s too damn long. I could note that it gives away the whole damn plot. I could also note that it doesn’t even mention any plot until the end of the first paragraph. I could point out the wince-inducing clichès (“world at her feet,” “play by her own rules,” “think outside the box”), and I could describe how typing it out made me throw up in my mouth just a little bit. But none of that would matter because Danielle Steel is going to use the proceeds from this book to buy another summer home. She has carved out her audience already, a quite sizable one, with decades’ worth of best-sellers, and she doesn’t need advice from me or anyone else.

But let me amuse myself. How would I rewrite this blurb to make it halfway interesting?

I might go the honest route:

Coco’s parents were dead, slaughtered by terrorists in France. “Screw them anyway,” said Coco. “Now I can be a total crack whore without any lectures from Mom.”

With the help of Daddy’s money and a slew of unorthodox business decisions, Coco ran her magazine into the ground. But she got a lot of hot boy-on-girl action in the process. Read about her narcissistic journey of self-destruction in Danielle Steel’s most explosive novel yet, All That Glitters, a sordid tale of wealth, corruption, and lust.

Or perhaps we could even dare to improve the story somewhat—by, you know, actually giving it a story:

Fresh out of high school, Coco thought the world had handed her everything—wealth and talent were hers, and even fame was within her grasp. But everything changed when terrorists murdered her parents.

Now Coco has only one thing in mind: Revenge. And she’ll do whatever it takes to get it, even use her father’s estate to become an arms dealer and work her way up through the sleazy Parisian underworld. She may be young, but she has focus, commitment, and sheer fucking will.

I wrote these in a few minutes, and I’m sure anyone could pick them apart. But you must admit they have one advantage: They’re short.

Why Men Don’t Read Books by Women

A writer for The Guardian, M. A. Sieghart, has asked the perennial question, “Why do so few men read books by women?” Curiously, the people who always ask this question never follow up by asking how women authors might better appeal to men or how the publishing industry might get a better share of the underserved male-readership market. No, the assumption is always that men have something wrong with them and need to change. It’s not the books that are the problem, it’s you. The customer is in the wrong.

Sieghart notes that the top-selling lady novelists have a disproportionately female readership, but though she treats this as a mystery with sinister implications, it’s not actually hard to understand what’s going on when she names who those top-selling authoresses are: Jane Austen, Margaret Atwood, Danielle Steel, and Jojo Moyes.

She proposes the answer that men don’t take women seriously. The actual answer, obvious to anyone outside Sieghart’s elitist cultural bubble, is that men aren’t interested in what those women write. Danielle Steel writes trashy romances. Jojo Moyes writes trashy romances. Jane Austen wrote non-trashy romances. Atwood writes a variety of things but is best known for a pearl-clutching feminist screed that confuses Baptists with the Taliban, though she also churns out an occasional apocalyptic science-fiction novel disturbingly obsessed with child pornography.

To put it briefly and bluntly, men don’t want to read that shit.

Continue reading “Why Men Don’t Read Books by Women”

Last Chance to get ‘Jake and the Dynamo’ for 99 Cents

Tomorrow, , begins the book launch of Jake and the Dynamo, first volume in a new series full of adventure, laughs, and lots and lots of magical girls.

Upon release, the book will be available as a DRM-free eBook with unlimited lending. It will also be available on Kindle Unlimited and as a paperback.

This is the last day of the low, low preorder price of 99 cents.

Read the novel that fans already call “hilarious, insightful, poignant” and “a great story for anyone who likes humor, adventure, and a truly unique setting.”

The eBook will be an Amazon exclusive for three months. I will announce when additional purchase options become available.

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Order Your Copy of ‘Jake and the Dynamo’ Today!

Right now, Jake and the Dynamo is available for preorder. Featuring brand new cover art and the same fantastic, full-color interior illustrations, this revised and definitive edition is the must-have introduction to the JAKE AND THE DYNAMO saga.

Celebrate with this free wallpaper, courtesy of Barbusco Comics and Nodsaibot.

The novel will release worldwide on .

Jake Blatowski can’t wait for high school—basketball, calculus, and a cafeteria that isn’t under investigation by the health department.

But he’ll have to wait: A computer malfunction has assigned him to the fifth grade!

It’s bad enough that he bangs his knees on the desks or that Miss Percy is going over long division . . . again . . . but Jake has to sit next to Dana Volt, a perpetually surly troublemaker determined to make his life a living hell.

Worse yet, Dana secretly belongs to a coalition of girls who protect humanity from the horde of deadly monsters plaguing the city—monsters that have chosen Jake as their next target!

Jake’s no hero; he just wants to make it to varsity tryouts. But now the impulsive and moody Dana is the only one who can save Jake from certain death—and Jake is the only one who can save Dana from herself.

Order Now

(This is an affiliate link)

If you preorder today, you pay only 99 cents for this DRM-free eBook. However, the price will rise after the book becomes available on August 1st.

The eBook will also be available on Kindle Unlimited for three months, and that means it will be an Amazon exclusive for that timeframe. After that, it will be available on other platforms.

The paperback will also become available on August 1, both through Amazon and other publishers. Stay tuned for details.

‘Rag & Muffin’ Excerpt

This is an excerpt from my novel Rag & Muffin. It is currently on an editor’s desk, but since I am getting ignored rather than rejections, I may move to self-publication in the near future. Anyway, this has to include a language warning since it’s more explicit than what I normally post on the blog.

In the dark, on her grass mat, Miss Alice sat in the Padmasana—Lotus Posture—one of the basic positions of Yoga. She had heard that if she practiced Yoga, she could make her Sammohana stronger.

She wanted to make it stronger.

It was the only thing she had.

She tried to focus on her breathing, but it was hard: She kept thinking about the men, about the chair, about the buzzing whine of the drill and the horrible pain it made when it went into her head. The back of her neck hurt. Her brain throbbed with a monotonous ache that made it difficult to think, and she still felt vestiges of the sickness and chills she got the last time they dug into her skull.

She didn’t understand why they were doing this to her. She didn’t even hate them. But she felt stark terror every time the door opened because it meant more agony, more screaming, more sickness. It meant their greasy hands and bad smells. It meant being hit and slapped and tied down. It meant searing pain.

She heard steps outside. She heard a hand rattling the knob. She heard the knob turn with a groan and a click.

The metal door opened with the ear-splitting creak of rusty hinges. Once again, she used her only weapon.

As he came through the door, she looked into his eyes. With a stab of pain, she felt her ravaged Heaven Seed gland squeeze down, and a pleasant ripple ran across her body. She began to speak, to order him to release her—but he simply walked over and slapped her on the mouth.

“Don’t you ever try that on me, you little cunt. And stop wasting your juice.”

It was the man they called Harman. The really bad one, meaner than the others.

Sammohana never worked on him.

Continue reading “‘Rag & Muffin’ Excerpt”

Double Book Review: ‘Bambi’ vs. ‘Watership Down’

Sometimes, when I’ve had a bad day, I just want to watch some cuddly talking animals bleed to death.

This is, again, an old review salvaged from my previous, now-defunct blog and subsequently edited. Were I to write it today, I’d probably give fewer spoilers, so considered yourself warned. In any case, these are still two of my all-time favorite novels, so I think this review belongs over here. I can relate it to magical girls by pointing out that both these books are about talking animals, and magical girls are usually accompanied by talking animals. Or something.

Bambi by Felix Salten. Translated by Whittaker Chambers. Grosset and Dunlap (New York): 1929. 293 pages.

Watership Down by Richard Adams. Scribner (New York): 2005 (Reprint). 499 pages.

There’s an old joke, dating back to the 1960s, about what would happen if Bambi fought Godzilla.  The correct answer, known to anyone who’s read the original novel Bambi by Felix Salten, is that Godzilla would get his ass kicked, at least if he made the mistake of standing between Bambi and a doe in rut.

Felix Salten’s classic novel, an often dark and brutal story originally published in , has been eclipsed in most people’s minds by the Disneyfied version, though since I originally wrote this review, a number of lavishly illustrated productions of the book have come into print. I can vouch for none because I read this book in a 1929 printing, but some of the new editions are beautiful at least at first glance—though I have been warned that some contain an abridged text, so I pass that warning on.

In any case, Godzilla would also likely meet his demise if he made the mistake of harassing the lady friends of the bunny rabbits from Watership Down, except the rabbits would most likely coerce somebody else into delivering the beat-down for them—maybe Bambi, in fact.

So if Bambi teamed up with the Watership Down rabbits to open a can of whoopass on Godzilla, especially if they maybe, I dunno, used some powered mecha armor that somebody left in the woods or something, that would be kick-awesome.  Or maybe the rabbits could all drive armored vehicles that look like giant rabbits that shoot lasers out of their ears, and then Bambi could drive a vehicle that looks like a giant stag, and then they could combine together into a super giant robot that maybe looks like a jackalope.  I would totally watch this Bambi vs. Godzilla movie in the theater.

Continue reading “Double Book Review: ‘Bambi’ vs. ‘Watership Down’”

‘Jake and the Dynamo’ 2 Preview

Jake and the Dynamo (remember that book?) is still unavailable as of this writing since the unfortunate out-of-businessing of my publisher. I have no known date for a re-release, but I am seriously considering self-publishing within the next few months and also releasing volume 2 the same way. Volume 3 is also underway, though I’ve set it aside for the moment for another writing project. In any case, here is a preview.

It had been a Sunday afternoon in early spring. The weather was at last warming up, so Marionette’s drafty attic was comfortable again after a terrible winter. Although her joints didn’t stiffen up in cold as readily as a human’s did, and though she couldn’t suffer frostbite or pneumonia, she could still feel miserable. She had spent much of the winter warming her fingers over a small cast-iron stove and painting a few strokes at a time before needing to warm her fingers again.

Now down to shirtsleeves and green boyshorts, she spent a lazy Sunday lying in her cot. The paint-flecked bedclothes were in a tangled mess, partly over her and partly under.

Kasumi Sugihara, down to a sports bra and boxers, lay beside her and smoked a cigarette. In her magical form, she was Card Collector Kasumi, but for the moment, she was merely an ordinary fifteen-year-old girl. She and Marionette had wiled away the late morning and much of the afternoon reading magazines, talking about TV dramas, discussing battle tactics, and gossiping about which boys they hated.

Marionette held, balanced on her stomach, a crystal Pontarlier glass of milky absinthe louche. She gazed at it for half a minute, raised her head, and took a sip. A faintly bitter scent of blended herbs met her olfactory sensors, and then the drink slipped smoothly down her synthetic throat.

Continue reading “‘Jake and the Dynamo’ 2 Preview”